A bird in the hand is worth two poops on your fingers, meaning
You think you’re the shit, but actually you are a piece of shit.
A penny for your thoughts, should be
A penny for you to stop your thoughts, meaning
Stop being stupid.
Add insult to injuries, should be
Add salt to injuries, meaning
Do something very evil to someone while they’re already down in the dumps
At the drop of a hat, should
At the drop of a bat, meaning
If anyone flirts with your lover, even so much as winks, you will beat them senseless.
Back to the drawing board, should be
Back to the yawning board, meaning
Not that story again, and again, and again.
Ball is in your court, should be
Balls in your court, meaning
You’re going to get laid tonight.
Barking up the wrong tree should be
Peeing on the wrong tree, meaning
You are bitching out the wrong person
Best of both worlds should be
Mess of both worlds, meaning
You’re problems are so big, that you need another world to store them in.
Blessing in disguise should be
Blessing in demise, meaning
Your shit out of luck. Go ahead, pray.
Crying over spilt milk should be
Crying over split milk, meaning
You’re dating two people and you’re still unhappy?
You can have your cake and eat it too, should be
You can fake it and mean it too, meaning
A fake orgasm can be just as fun.
Cut the mustard should be
Cut the custard, meaning
Yeah, ok, so you made the grade, but on a very low level of accomplishment.
Give the benefit of the doubt, should be
Give the benefits to the doubts, meaning
Believe every stupid thing you are ever going to hear.
Let the cat out of the bag, should be
Let the hag out of the bag, meaning
Old news, we’ve already read about it on Facebook
I heard it on the grapevine, should be
It’s a pink turd on a bus line, meaning
I’m just about to lose my mind, honey, honey, yeah.