We’re caught in the middle of a courtship. The sun and the Earth are tangled in passionate gravity. However, the Earth has a lover on the side, the moon. The sun doesn’t like that and is jealous. So, what do we do? We send Apollo to fix the situation. You know, the god of poetry and the plague. And to top it off, the dude represents the sun. Smart of us, right? So, Apollo just has a great time with the moon, stomping around, leaving footprints, flags, and garbage. Earth gets mad at Apollo, ceasing future communication. Apollo is shelved.
So, we thought the Earth needed to get out of the love triangle and find a significant other. We sent a probe to Mars. (No more Apollos) Mars is a kind of angry sort of guy. He’s not into probing. But, we left Rover there to try and break the ice, so to speak. We’re hoping that Earth and Mars create a solid relationship or a relationship of solids.
But, we thought Earth shouldn’t settle for the first planet or moon to come along, so we’re sending Juno to take a peek under Jupiter’s clouds. However, we already know that Jupiter is involved with a few moons and Earth doesn’t think Jupiter’s facial red spot is attractive. But, hey you never know a planet until you develop a means of communication and it’s not good to be judgmental.
We sent Akatsuki to make a pass at Venus. Venus turned out to be a bit hot to trot and unwilling to commit. Initial reports indicate that Venus is smitten by the sun and any hope of a relationship with Earth remains an atmospheric challenge. You see, the sun is sneaky, It’s like you can’t live with him or without him.
Saturn is already promised to someone and wears rings.
Neptune turned out to be a cold fish. Plus, the planet has been recently divorced, proven by its fragmented ring system. We think Neptune was involved with Uranus, but their relationship has turned to ice. Earth cannot be involved in some sort of rebound relationship. Those never turn out well.
We were hoping for New Horizons between Earth and Pluto. But, it turned out that Pluto was a poser and not really a planet at all. The Earth is just too good to be gallivanting around with a mere dwarf planet or even a feisty asteroid.
It’s really not looking all that good. This is why we wrote this letter. We have heard of Planet Nine. Apparently, it resides outside the Kuiper belt. We were wondering if any of you Kuipereans might know how to get into contact with Planet Nine?