American Grocery List

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  1. Broccoli
  2. Carrots
  3. Romaine Lettuce
  4. Avocado
  5. Spinach
  6. Mary’s Virgin Olive Oil
  7. Dave’s Corporate Fiber Bread
  8. Weightwatchers scammy little peanut chipotle BBQ tempeh tenders
  9. Red Wine, preferably under ten dollars
  10. Soy curly fries
  11. Buy a salad, premade, in a plastic bag
  12. Put back the broccoli, carrots, lettuce, and spinach
  13. Buy Wishbone Blue Cheese Ranchy-like chunky salad dressing
  14. Buy Tony’s Frozen Pizza with cheese inside the crust, topped with exotic free-range animal meat
  15. Put back the Weightwatchers in the “Unhealthy” frozen section that for some strange reason needs to be separate from the “healthy” frozen section. The only determining factor is price.
  16. Buy Jo Jos- topped with chemically treated fake jalapeño gooey sauce
  17. Put back Mary’s virgin olive oil and the soy curly fries
  18. Buy a case of Budweiser or equivalent that’s on sale
  19. Put back red wine or not, THEN pause, making it look like you are deliberating on the issue of wine or beer for a half an hour, so it looks like you’re making important decisions.
  20. 2 pounds of hamburger with the highest possible fat content
  21. Wonder Bread 100% Whole Wheat genetically engineered Hamburger buns with seeds from unknown nuts, newly invented, imported, grown in the wilds of the Falklands and pieced together in Shanghai.
  22. Pretend you’re boycotting Dave’s Corporate Fiber bread, place it back on the appropriate shelf, with a little extra slam, finishing off with an angry look on your face, making sure you’re noticed by the nerd at the peanut butter grinding machine.
  23. Keep the avocado and let it rot on the kitchen counter

 

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163 Comments on “American Grocery List

  1. Pingback: Buy premade salad and put back the carrots, lettuce and broccoli – stufedcrust

  2. Hey I know this guy! You caught my brother at the supermarket again!! Loved it. Thanks for your humour and wit! 😉

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I work at Wegmans, I can 100% confirm this is so true!

    Like

  4. Quite the impressive list. I applaud your diligence. For your consideration, #1 on my list would be “Call out for pizza delivery.”

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Or, you buy the broccoli and spinach and let them rot along with the avocado, while the bag of snack sized Snickers you bought because one is only 40 calories, gets eaten in one day! Loved this!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Can you answer some long-standing questions about American supermarket foods to which I am trying to find the answers?
    1. Why do you have about 800 varieties of cereal? I am used to eating Muesli and Cornflakes in England and I get paralysed with choice when I look at the cereal aisles in the U.S.
    2. Why are the bakery counter cakes the size of California?
    3. What is Richard’s Wild Irish Rose? It claims to be a wine, but it smells like no wine I’ve ever encountered and my self-preservation instincts stopped me from trying it. Is it really a wine?

    Liked by 3 people

  7. Pingback: American Work Day | Elan Mudrow

  8. “keep the avocados and let it rot on the kitchen counter” ahahaha so guilty of doing this. Patience is a virtue yet most people can’t wait for healthy food to be edible so they settle for unhealthy “alternative” options in the meantime. This post is dead-on true and so funny!

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Pingback: Grocery List – rexchloeduniya

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