New Year’s Irresolutions


  1. Start smoking (So, next year I can claim the resolution to stop smoking)
  2. Join Weightwatchers (How does watching weight help? Shouldn’t I be exercising?)
  3. Finish that novel (If only I had started the damn thing)
  4. Be more optimistic (This one sucks and I suck and you suck!. Hey, I’ve got a couple days left of negativity)
  5. Tell mom that I love her. (Unfortunately, she passed away two years ago)
  6. Get a better job (OK, so I sell crack now, what could I move up to?)
  7. Read more (Porn, fortune cookies, bills, text messages, store receipts, etc.)
  8. Quit drinking (water, and stick with beer!)
  9. Manage stress better (by letting it all out on anyone at any time)
  10. Stop procrastinating (And start masturbating)
  11. Travel (Leave the house every now and then)
  12. Improve a relationship (They still have those?)
  13. Learn a new language (An exotic one, like Emoji)
  14. Spend less time watching TV (Use the computer to watch needless programming)
  15. Get rid of old clothes (by wearing them)
  16. Try an extreme sport (Like snowball fighting or spanking)

46 thoughts on “New Year’s Irresolutions

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