New Year’s Irresolutions

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  1. Start smoking (So, next year I can claim the resolution to stop smoking)
  2. Join Weightwatchers (How does watching weight help? Shouldn’t I be exercising?)
  3. Finish that novel (If only I had started the damn thing)
  4. Be more optimistic (This one sucks and I suck and you suck!. Hey, I’ve got a couple days left of negativity)
  5. Tell mom that I love her. (Unfortunately, she passed away two years ago)
  6. Get a better job (OK, so I sell crack now, what could I move up to?)
  7. Read more (Porn, fortune cookies, bills, text messages, store receipts, etc.)
  8. Quit drinking (water, and stick with beer!)
  9. Manage stress better (by letting it all out on anyone at any time)
  10. Stop procrastinating (And start masturbating)
  11. Travel (Leave the house every now and then)
  12. Improve a relationship (They still have those?)
  13. Learn a new language (An exotic one, like Emoji)
  14. Spend less time watching TV (Use the computer to watch needless programming)
  15. Get rid of old clothes (by wearing them)
  16. Try an extreme sport (Like snowball fighting or spanking)
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45 Responses to New Year’s Irresolutions

  1. Ms Skyfall says:

    11, 12 and 13 are awesome…. 😜

    Like

  2. So funny! This was so damn good. I read your (ir)resolutions absolutely resolutely.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Forrest Pasky says:

    This is great!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lol! Well said. Happy New year!

    Like

  5. tkwrtrilogy says:

    I love it. I’m going to start right now.😁

    Liked by 1 person

  6. doubtpuppet says:

    10 made me shoot tea out of my ears.
    And I wasn’t even drinking tea.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. dornahainds says:

    The Emoji language is truly a fascinating entity.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Patricia says:

    That was hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’ll pick 7, 10, and 16 to do. Happy New Year!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. sanberdooboy says:

    i admire the ingenuity and variety in your list, as well as the sarcastic tone.

    Like

  11. Can’t say I agree with all of them. #13 is a great one. Learn German for example!

    Like

  12. crow says:

    What kind of trophies can you get for spanking? I think there should be some official ones out there somewhere.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Gail says:

    I don’t think I could be friends with anyone who aced all the listed items in one year.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. You can weight watch by going to your local shopping centre. That’s easy. Good list!

    Like

  15. Harlon says:

    Loved this. That’s all – one of my resolutions is to enjoy the silence.
    Harlon

    Like

  16. Claire says:

    These are my kind of resolutions. Have fun with them 😃 x

    Like

  17. Rob says:

    Fucking tremendous! Loved your post and wit

    Like

  18. steveknife says:

    Oh my just too good!

    Like

  19. r_prab says:

    Your read more list is fantastic!

    Like

  20. Random Reads says:

    This was a great post!

    Like

  21. chainbreakercorporation says:

    This post slays.

    Like

  22. Just Joan says:

    LOL, Elan. Laughing, they say, is good exercise. And at last, some keep-able resolutions. Might borrow a couple for my own list. Happy New Year–hear, hear!

    Like

  23. love this list and your posts.

    Like

  24. I would start smoking but I’m not legal and I don’t have any money and I would have to walk to the shop. I have all these suppression’s against me. Is that good a good thing? I don’t know I just drink tea.

    Like

  25. Mona says:

    Damn hilarious 😂😂😂
    Best new years post so far.

    Liked by 1 person

  26. rosieways says:

    Thanks for making me chuckle so hard that I spilt my cuppa!
    I really enjoyed reading it, there have been so many ultra serious posts around that it was great to see something fun and lighthearted.

    Liked by 1 person

  27. niicolee00 says:

    LOL #12 hits me right in the feelz. This was hilarious and honestly not far off from a lot of people’s resolutions. Loopholes, amirite?

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Samantha says:

    Hahaha, love your list! :’)
    I thought of 1 myself, actually. But smoking is disgusting (I tried a cigarette once), so that’s a no-go for me 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  29. jennifer.rae says:

    I cracked up while reading this!!! 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  30. This was sooo funny! 😂😂

    Liked by 2 people

  31. heartsinink says:

    This is beauty!!!! Love Love Loveee

    Liked by 1 person

  32. wanderess93 says:

    Great post!! totally made me laugh

    Liked by 1 person

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