New Year’s Irresolutions

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  1. Start smoking (So, next year I can claim the resolution to stop smoking)
  2. Join Weightwatchers (How does watching weight help? Shouldn’t I be exercising?)
  3. Finish that novel (If only I had started the damn thing)
  4. Be more optimistic (This one sucks and I suck and you suck!. Hey, I’ve got a couple days left of negativity)
  5. Tell mom that I love her. (Unfortunately, she passed away two years ago)
  6. Get a better job (OK, so I sell crack now, what could I move up to?)
  7. Read more (Porn, fortune cookies, bills, text messages, store receipts, etc.)
  8. Quit drinking (water, and stick with beer!)
  9. Manage stress better (by letting it all out on anyone at any time)
  10. Stop procrastinating (And start masturbating)
  11. Travel (Leave the house every now and then)
  12. Improve a relationship (They still have those?)
  13. Learn a new language (An exotic one, like Emoji)
  14. Spend less time watching TV (Use the computer to watch needless programming)
  15. Get rid of old clothes (by wearing them)
  16. Try an extreme sport (Like snowball fighting or spanking)
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46 Comments on “New Year’s Irresolutions

  1. LOL, Elan. Laughing, they say, is good exercise. And at last, some keep-able resolutions. Might borrow a couple for my own list. Happy New Year–hear, hear!

    Like

  2. I would start smoking but I’m not legal and I don’t have any money and I would have to walk to the shop. I have all these suppression’s against me. Is that good a good thing? I don’t know I just drink tea.

    Like

  3. Thanks for making me chuckle so hard that I spilt my cuppa!
    I really enjoyed reading it, there have been so many ultra serious posts around that it was great to see something fun and lighthearted.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. LOL #12 hits me right in the feelz. This was hilarious and honestly not far off from a lot of people’s resolutions. Loopholes, amirite?

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hahaha, love your list! :’)
    I thought of 1 myself, actually. But smoking is disgusting (I tried a cigarette once), so that’s a no-go for me 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Very funny. Weight watchers is and has always been a scam. I’ve done lying on labels posts about many including them, they’re the worst. I don’t feel like reading a thing but instead of porn I have to read up on games:(

    Like

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