Present Day List

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  1. Reality is the root of all problems. Stay away from it at all times.
  2. Dress neatly for virtual interviews and dating sites. Remember, it’s all upper torso! It’s a blouse, blouse, blouse world. Think of the money you’ll save on pants!
  3. Food should be delivered to you. It’s too dangerous to cook. You might burn something, like yourself.
  4. Sex toys now come with USB ports. Eww, flesh. That’s nasty.
  5. Procreation is coordinated by the NSA. Anyone of child bearing years will be asked to donate sperm or eggs through the mail system. Just look for the pink or blue bags in your mailbox! And there are rewards! Every donor will be cordially thanked by a computer-generated yearly birthday card that comes with an assortment of coupons for important items like cat litter, toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, shampoo, and frozen pizza.
  6. Never establish a relationship longer than a tweet. Be careful of verbose internet chatting. Overt, lengthy conversation could lead to meeting in person, which is shunned.
  7. Buy a gun in case you accidentally come in to contact with someone knocking on your door.
  8. Birthday parties, baby showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties must all take place in Google Hangouts or an equivalent. No more cleaning up afterwards. No more embarrassing drunken scenes from that one guest you didn’t want to invite, but felt obligated.
  9. Get your morning coffee mailed to you by Barista.com (A dollar off if you use your credit card! You will be penalized for using debit.)
  10. Never brush your teeth, just have them bleached. Bad breath does not exist.
  11. All your bills must be paid automatically, so you never notice how high they are getting.
  12. Play a game more than twelve times a day. It’s important to stay stupid. Questioning is in bad taste.
  13. Babies will be delivered via UPS. It will arrive in a shipping box full of bubble wrap. If for any reason, you are shipped the wrong child or receive defective merchandise. Simply return it for a full refund.
  14. Send your kids to on-line school, known as distance learning. Its motto “stay as far away from learning as you can.”
  15. Remember, as long as you stay connected, everything you experience is the truth. If it’s not the truth, then remember everything you experience must be true. If it’s a lie, then it’s the truth, especially if the source is questionable. That’s the way it works.
  16. Hey! Get out there, have some fun! Join a Facebook group!
  17. Filter out pimples, freckles, blemishes, and wrinkles. The object of life is to be as mundane as possible, while pretending you are the most exciting mundanity that can possibly exist. Figure that one out and your followers will increase tenfold.
  18. Elections will be settled by virtual voting, so you have more time for more important activities, like making up an I-Tunes playlist of political songs that are mad about the political situation you find yourself in.
  19. The second coming will feature tweets directly from Jesus. Like, “Me and Mary Magdalene getting down at the club”. Plus a “Selfie from Golgatha.” #Secondcoming #Jesus #Savior. #Crucifixion
  20. Cute animal videos have been banned. Find some other way to steal other people’s posts.
  21. Newsreels of other people’s pain and oppression are expressly provided for your entertainment. As a matter of fact, other people’s oppression is your entertainment.
  22. Emojis will soon replace written language. Just think how great it will be when you never have to conjugate a verb ever again!
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