Present Day List

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  1. Reality is the root of all problems. Stay away from it at all times.
  2. Dress neatly for virtual interviews and dating sites. Remember, it’s all upper torso! It’s a blouse, blouse, blouse world. Think of the money you’ll save on pants!
  3. Food should be delivered to you. It’s too dangerous to cook. You might burn something, like yourself.
  4. Sex toys now come with USB ports. Eww, flesh. That’s nasty.
  5. Procreation is coordinated by the NSA. Anyone of child bearing years will be asked to donate sperm or eggs through the mail system. Just look for the pink or blue bags in your mailbox! And there are rewards! Every donor will be cordially thanked by a computer-generated yearly birthday card that comes with an assortment of coupons for important items like cat litter, toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, shampoo, and frozen pizza.
  6. Never establish a relationship longer than a tweet. Be careful of verbose internet chatting. Overt, lengthy conversation could lead to meeting in person, which is shunned.
  7. Buy a gun in case you accidentally come in to contact with someone knocking on your door.
  8. Birthday parties, baby showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties must all take place in Google Hangouts or an equivalent. No more cleaning up afterwards. No more embarrassing drunken scenes from that one guest you didn’t want to invite, but felt obligated.
  9. Get your morning coffee mailed to you by Barista.com (A dollar off if you use your credit card! You will be penalized for using debit.)
  10. Never brush your teeth, just have them bleached. Bad breath does not exist.
  11. All your bills must be paid automatically, so you never notice how high they are getting.
  12. Play a game more than twelve times a day. It’s important to stay stupid. Questioning is in bad taste.
  13. Babies will be delivered via UPS. It will arrive in a shipping box full of bubble wrap. If for any reason, you are shipped the wrong child or receive defective merchandise. Simply return it for a full refund.
  14. Send your kids to on-line school, known as distance learning. Its motto “stay as far away from learning as you can.”
  15. Remember, as long as you stay connected, everything you experience is the truth. If it’s not the truth, then remember everything you experience must be true. If it’s a lie, then it’s the truth, especially if the source is questionable. That’s the way it works.
  16. Hey! Get out there, have some fun! Join a Facebook group!
  17. Filter out pimples, freckles, blemishes, and wrinkles. The object of life is to be as mundane as possible, while pretending you are the most exciting mundanity that can possibly exist. Figure that one out and your followers will increase tenfold.
  18. Elections will be settled by virtual voting, so you have more time for more important activities, like making up an I-Tunes playlist of political songs that are mad about the political situation you find yourself in.
  19. The second coming will feature tweets directly from Jesus. Like, “Me and Mary Magdalene getting down at the club”. Plus a “Selfie from Golgatha.” #Secondcoming #Jesus #Savior. #Crucifixion
  20. Cute animal videos have been banned. Find some other way to steal other people’s posts.
  21. Newsreels of other people’s pain and oppression are expressly provided for your entertainment. As a matter of fact, other people’s oppression is your entertainment.
  22. Emojis will soon replace written language. Just think how great it will be when you never have to conjugate a verb ever again!
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32 Responses to Present Day List

  1. Judi Risser says:

    I can envision this….lol

    Liked by 2 people

  2. grantman says:

    WOW… I can imagine a world where this is played every night while one sleeps so that full indoctrination is accomplished by daylight. Scary shit a-la 1984 as seen thru Orwell’s eyes a long time ago, the sad reality is this stuff is way to real and the road some of us fear we on right now!
    G

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Just Joan says:

    A world full of stay-at-home computer nerds… I don’t really have to picture it, it is already in full swing, but you do have a lot of interesting ideas here. Kids shipped in bubble wrap that you can send back if not 100% satisfied? Hmmmm. Glad to see you back, Elan. Have missed your thoughtful and humorous posts 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Leturos says:

    I got my laugh for the day. I’d write more but … isn’t there a 140 character limit to responses or something? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Kris says:

    #13…..so very good. #7, I almost went to Elmer Fudd in space.

    Like

  6. Ogden Fahey says:

    Very funny and clever! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Ali Grimshaw says:

    And with Emojis we won’t have to learn to spell either. Thanks Elan for your ever cleverness,

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Phil Huston says:

    “Welcome back my friends…Come inside, come inside.”
    “Every donor will be cordially thanked by a computer-generated yearly birthday card that comes with an assortment of coupons for important items like cat litter, toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, shampoo, and frozen pizza.” Hey, I didn’t even need to donate anything but my birthday to the State of Texas and I can eat “free” Enchiladas until In pass out. Every year. Even after I’m dead and “or current resident” receives them.
    Inanity is always popular. No pants required.

    Like

  9. Jon says:

    Interesting list, almost like an ominous glimpse into the future!

    Like

  10. The Old Man says:

    stangely I find myself going through old P.M. for ideas on how to improve my garden/

    Liked by 1 person

  11. elvagreen123 says:

    #secondcoming – hahahahaha

    Liked by 1 person

  12. yvwrites says:

    23. Lol like its not true!
    Great!

    Like

  13. dornahainds says:

    Aye! This sounds just about Right with all that is going on about the world and for those other Things yet to come. 😈

    Like

  14. I feel like #6 has already become a social norm… though I try not to do it as much anymore. I feel like going out and having coffee with someone is better than texting. But I mean, you still have to be careful if you don’t know the person, THEN it might be a better idea to just text.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. nancee says:

    Now that gave me a good giggle.

    Like

  16. bookheathen says:

    I really DO hope you’re joking! But some of this is just too near the mark.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This is a little eerie…😬😬

    Like

  18. This is most chuckle-worthy…and a little cringe-worthy. I love it!

    Like

  19. joliesattic says:

    Actually, I wouldn’t mind the house, the yard and pool all in a plastic bubble. I’m so tired of bad weather, gophers, coyotes and weeds!!!! LOL

    Like

  20. literaryeyes says:

    Buy a gun in case… this happened to me a few years ago. Neighbors! I like FB even more now. Also “liked” #19, the second coming one. And ain’t #15 the truth!

    Like

  21. JQJ says:

    Sounds sarcastic but it’s referring to the reality happening in this world.

    Like

  22. tmezpoetry says:

    Reblogged this on Tammy Mezera and commented:
    Love the dry and quirky humor here~

    Like

  23. steveknife says:

    Outstanding! Love this list! 🙃

    Like

  24. love this list 🙂

    Like

  25. This post was really funny!

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Mr. Mel says:

    Very humorous, creative and perceptive. So much is as you have written. Where are we headed?

    Like

  27. Justice says:

    #11 scares me!

    Like

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