Beach Memories

Beach Fort – Fort Stevens Oregon

Memories from the Ancient Vacation

  • My crown was made of construction paper, adorned with crayon-drawn jewels. A gift that was handed down from generations past (starting with my big sister).
  • Ribbon kelp, broken sand dollars, seagull feathers, were my minions.
  • The waves marked the boundaries of my sandy realm, beyond them, ships teetered on the curve of the round world. Fools!
  • My scepter was a lone wooden chopstick, blessed by the sand dune fairies, painted purple with glitter.
  • Roasted marshmallows were the staple food of my land, harvested from plastic bags, which grew wild in the grocery store.
  • There were morning rituals to be performed, such as the hallowed mini-boxed cereal, opened along perforations. An elixir was added, milk. I would bless the brew with a plastic spoon.
  • In my kingdom nothing was saved. Saving was sacrilegious. It was barbarian to wash a utensil and reuse it. Paper plates were saints. So, it was written, so it was done.
  • I wore a bathing suit and rubber sandals. It was a commandment from the priests (mom and dad). I was to look as idiotic as possible. That was the way to true enlightenment.


Memories from the New Vacation

  • My crown was a snapback cap with my favorite sports team logo, even if I didn’t have a favorite sports team. Even if I didn’t like sports.
  • My minions were, apps, emojis and text messages. Even selfies followed me!
  • The beach marked the boundary of my condo, where people were known to walk! Fools!
  • My scepter was an iPhone, blessed by the corporate fairies called computer programmers.
  • Marshmallows were replaced by tempeh, harvested from plastic bags which grew wild in the “natural” section of the grocery store.
  • Sugar cereal was banished, replaced by (gulp) unsweetened granola with vanilla almond milk (cheater)
  • In my kingdom nothing was saved. Saving was sacrilegious. It was barbarian to be caught with technology older than 2 months. So it was texted, so it was done.
  • I wore Crocs clogs, with cargo shorts. I didn’t need mom and dad to help me appear idiotic. This is the way to true enlightenment?



Spammer’s Delight

Ever look in your spam folder? I have to say that WordPress does a wonderful job diverting spam from my inbox. But, every now and then, I take a peek. The following are direct quotes, typos and all.


Spammer #1- “You know a complete lot its almost hard to argue along.”

You’re absolutely right. Don’t argue along. For that would be taking my side and I know a complete lot.


Spammer #2- “Writing manually takes a lot of time, but there is a tool for this time consuming task.”

The tool is called watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island and eating Cheetos!


Spammer #3-“I’ve got much clear idea concerning from this post”

I’m glad you’ve got much clear idea, because I’m totally confused by what you just wrote!


Spammer #4- “Why people still make use of to read news papers when in this technological globe the whole thing is available on web?”

Things are indeed strange in this technological globe. It should be a crime to make use of to read news papers. Except they actually hire “real” journalists.


Spammer #5-  “This enables that you simply much better picture of how your business is creating. We are all human beings.”

So, that’s what my business is doing, creating. And I didn’t even know I had a business. Plus, I’m glad you cleared it up that we’re all human beings. I was beginning to wonder.


Spammer #6-“ These pieces really set a standard in the indrytus.”

I am so happy I’m setting standards somewhere.  Hello to those of you in the indrytus! I won’t let you down.


Spammer #7 “Weeeee, what a quick and easy soiunlot.”

Wasn’t that cool? Soiunlots can be so tricky.


Spammer #8 “This was so helpful and easy! Do you have any articles in rehab?”

Well, unfortunately, a couple of them have checked in to rehab. I heard they were doing well.


Spammer #9“Hey hey hey, take a gardener to what’ you’ve done.”

That’s a great idea. I’ve never thought about inviting one.


Spammer #10 “That’s a posting full of ingiths!”

Is that a good thing? Where’d they come from? I didn’t put them there.


Spammer #11 “Just do me a favor and keep writing such trnhcnaet analyses, OK?”

By all means. I’m a master of trnhcnaetian theory.


Spammer #12 “If you’re looking to buy these articles, make it way easier.”

Mmmh. I’ve never thought about buying my own posts. That indeed is easier. There, I just gave myself 10 bucks. Whoo Hoo!!!


Spammer #13- “Thanks for spending time on the computer (wiritng) so others don’t have to.”

That’s why I do this. I’m here to make it so no one else has to spend time wirting on computers.


Spammer #14- “My salad has done better this summer but just in the last couple of months when the weather improved.”

I’m so happy to hear your salad is doing better.


Spammer #15- “Continue to be down the great operate! You realize, many individuals ‘re looking near to do this facts, it is easy to aid these products.”

Roger that. I will continue to be down the great operate to aid the products.


Spammer #16- “I like to party, not look arcleits up online. You made it happen.”

I’m glad I made that happen. I wouldn’t want you to resort to looking up arcleits online.


Spammer #17- “It is possible (and frequently done) to build over 200k crop armies (aka, World Wonder armies) from a six cropper.”

You’re right. I just built a few armies last week and I only had a two cropper! Whatever that is.


Spammer #18- “Why does this have to be the ONLY reliable source? Oh well, gj!”

Well, what can I say? Poetry is more reliable. That’s all you need to know.


Spammer #19- “I’m making posts about scientific explanations behind everyday appearances.”

I knew there was something scientific behind making everyday appearances.


Spammer #20 –“Stretching is discomfort.”

I’ve told my cat the very same thing! However, he doesn’t listen and keeps on stretching! He looks pretty comfortable though.

Trump’s Commandments (With personal notes from Donald Trump)

Trump Press Conference
  1. I am the Lord, thy God. (Yeah! I didn’t’ have to change that one at all. Easy money)

  2. You shall not deal with any other corporations other than mine. (Or I will force you into bankruptcy)

  3. No graven images or likenesses (Unless, I have full copyrights and ownership of those likenesses. Don’t fool around with me on this one. I’m a jealous guy and if you rip me off, I will not only punish you, but your children’s, children’s, children. That’s how I roll)

  4. Do not take my name in vain. (Or, I will tweet something horrible about you)

  5. Remember bank holidays by keeping them holy. (You will work 60 hours a week and on the pathetic excuses for a holiday, you shall do no work. Instead, you will do all your family shopping on these “holidays” using a credit card. You are to buy so much needless junk, that you, your daughter, your son, your pets, and anyone who just happens to be visiting you, will have to work harder for me!)

  6. Honor thy bank and thy real estate company. (By getting deeper in debt)

  7. Thou shall not kill (Unless, I ask you to. LOL!! It’s sweet being president!)

  8. Thou shall grab thy neighbor’s p…. (Or d…, if that’s what rocks your boat, and if you covet thy neighbor’s house just buy it and kick his ass out on the street)

  9. Thou shall not steal (I can, but you can’t. Unless, the chances are good that you will get away with it and long as it isn’t me your stealing from)

  10. You can give false testimony under oath anytime you think it’s worth it (I’ve done it plenty of times)

Present Day List


  1. Reality is the root of all problems. Stay away from it at all times.
  2. Dress neatly for virtual interviews and dating sites. Remember, it’s all upper torso! It’s a blouse, blouse, blouse world. Think of the money you’ll save on pants!
  3. Food should be delivered to you. It’s too dangerous to cook. You might burn something, like yourself.
  4. Sex toys now come with USB ports. Eww, flesh. That’s nasty.
  5. Procreation is coordinated by the NSA. Anyone of child bearing years will be asked to donate sperm or eggs through the mail system. Just look for the pink or blue bags in your mailbox! And there are rewards! Every donor will be cordially thanked by a computer-generated yearly birthday card that comes with an assortment of coupons for important items like cat litter, toilet paper, spaghetti sauce, shampoo, and frozen pizza.
  6. Never establish a relationship longer than a tweet. Be careful of verbose internet chatting. Overt, lengthy conversation could lead to meeting in person, which is shunned.
  7. Buy a gun in case you accidentally come in to contact with someone knocking on your door.
  8. Birthday parties, baby showers, bachelor/bachelorette parties must all take place in Google Hangouts or an equivalent. No more cleaning up afterwards. No more embarrassing drunken scenes from that one guest you didn’t want to invite, but felt obligated.
  9. Get your morning coffee mailed to you by (A dollar off if you use your credit card! You will be penalized for using debit.)
  10. Never brush your teeth, just have them bleached. Bad breath does not exist.
  11. All your bills must be paid automatically, so you never notice how high they are getting.
  12. Play a game more than twelve times a day. It’s important to stay stupid. Questioning is in bad taste.
  13. Babies will be delivered via UPS. It will arrive in a shipping box full of bubble wrap. If for any reason, you are shipped the wrong child or receive defective merchandise. Simply return it for a full refund.
  14. Send your kids to on-line school, known as distance learning. Its motto “stay as far away from learning as you can.”
  15. Remember, as long as you stay connected, everything you experience is the truth. If it’s not the truth, then remember everything you experience must be true. If it’s a lie, then it’s the truth, especially if the source is questionable. That’s the way it works.
  16. Hey! Get out there, have some fun! Join a Facebook group!
  17. Filter out pimples, freckles, blemishes, and wrinkles. The object of life is to be as mundane as possible, while pretending you are the most exciting mundanity that can possibly exist. Figure that one out and your followers will increase tenfold.
  18. Elections will be settled by virtual voting, so you have more time for more important activities, like making up an I-Tunes playlist of political songs that are mad about the political situation you find yourself in.
  19. The second coming will feature tweets directly from Jesus. Like, “Me and Mary Magdalene getting down at the club”. Plus a “Selfie from Golgatha.” #Secondcoming #Jesus #Savior. #Crucifixion
  20. Cute animal videos have been banned. Find some other way to steal other people’s posts.
  21. Newsreels of other people’s pain and oppression are expressly provided for your entertainment. As a matter of fact, other people’s oppression is your entertainment.
  22. Emojis will soon replace written language. Just think how great it will be when you never have to conjugate a verb ever again!

New Year’s Irresolutions


  1. Start smoking (So, next year I can claim the resolution to stop smoking)
  2. Join Weightwatchers (How does watching weight help? Shouldn’t I be exercising?)
  3. Finish that novel (If only I had started the damn thing)
  4. Be more optimistic (This one sucks and I suck and you suck!. Hey, I’ve got a couple days left of negativity)
  5. Tell mom that I love her. (Unfortunately, she passed away two years ago)
  6. Get a better job (OK, so I sell crack now, what could I move up to?)
  7. Read more (Porn, fortune cookies, bills, text messages, store receipts, etc.)
  8. Quit drinking (water, and stick with beer!)
  9. Manage stress better (by letting it all out on anyone at any time)
  10. Stop procrastinating (And start masturbating)
  11. Travel (Leave the house every now and then)
  12. Improve a relationship (They still have those?)
  13. Learn a new language (An exotic one, like Emoji)
  14. Spend less time watching TV (Use the computer to watch needless programming)
  15. Get rid of old clothes (by wearing them)
  16. Try an extreme sport (Like snowball fighting or spanking)

Phone Appetizers


  1. Attentionator.  Sends out a howling banshee sound when user is about to walk in front of a bus, because they can’t keep their eyes off their phone.



2. Ironee.  Emits a loud warning to the user (and everybody else in close proximity) who forgot to turn off their cell phone inside a movie theater.



3. Ender.  A game app that features a futuristic, fictional drone war that unknown to the user controls real military drones in Syria and Pakistan. (Great for kids and adults!)



4. Dull.  An app that guarantees boring dates. Success rate 90%. The other 10% just settle for what they can get. (or at least a free dinner and a glass of wine)



5. Paypit (by Grapple!)  This app uses your phone’s vibration feature to remind you that an automatic payment towards the new upcoming version of MePhone has been deducted from your checking account. Grapple’s motto is “pay before instead of too later”.



6. Apocrypha.  An app that has measured out all mathematical possibilities for the last day for humans on Earth. Through a serious combination of statistics gathered from scientific think tank, B.S. labs, it promises to send a cheerful chirp and a cute emoji upon that day.



7. Earplug.  A specially designed music app for tin ears. Sing along as loud as you want and out of key! The music is so bad, no one will know the difference! (American Idiot approved!)



8. Insta-Snatch.  A camera app that automatically searches the web, replacing the photo you took with a better version, picked from one of the millions of other people who have taken a photo of the same thing you photographed. (Free legal assistance offered if your photo, which isn’t your photo, is used commercially)



9. Needlist.  An amazing new app from the makers of Shitlist that keeps track of stuff you don’t need, but buy anyway. A dynamite way to make sure you buy gum, magazines, lighters, candy, and a laser for the cat you don’t have.



10. Shitlist.  A classic app that handles all the people you hate on social medi sites like Facepunk, Insta-ham, Twatter, Word-Collapse, Blogosfear, and Trumpdumb. Complete with ready-to-use insults that are updated daily.


For some more prose check

Street Fair

282e239f6099b8fb5293d9dcb8a412da1. 1. Repeat offender vendors

Who set up to break down


2. The song remains the same

Only the avenue changes.


3. Livingroom rehearsed musicians

Exposing themselves to the elements

Of being ignored


4. Shaky Kombucha addicts

Wait in line for their fix

Of sour fermentation


5. Corporate bakeries pretend

To be small time organic

Moms and pops


6. Petitioners harass people

Who already agree with them


7. Two Goth girls act like it’s the eighties

Even though they were born in the nineties


8. A misting tent at the hostel.

Finally, those stinky street kids

Can get a shower.


9. Fresh locally roasted coffee

Imported from Central America

Stationed in Airstream trailers

Strategically placed at every other intersection


10. Fresh squeezed lemonade

Direct from concentrate

Add sugar — $1.00 extra


11. Weekend hippies with dusty new top hats

Complimented with a crow feather

Pot-leaf t-shirt and Birkenstocks….

They know that computer coding Monday

Is only a sunset away

It’s called “back to virtual reality”.


12. Fortune tellers conjuring narratives

For the fortunate few

“I see a person in your life”

It just so happens, we all do.


13. Beer gardens on both ends

Making sure the stumbling

Hop alongs stay within the fair


14. Local insurance office

Sets up a bounce house

Proving that accidents do happen


15. Smoked ribs and other carcasses

On display


16. New Seasons Market booth

Stocks out-of-season produce.

Hey, it’s in the name

They are making up new seasons

As they go.


17. Hemp totes, hemp ropes

Hemp ladders, hemp matters

Hemp paper, hemp traders

Dopes on hemp, hemp belts on dopes


18. Clown balloon “artists”

Makes swords

For kids to thwack the shit out

Of each another

Americans learn young


19. “Free hot dogs and pop!”

As long as stomachs last