Perspiring Happens!


Funny, how many armpits there are

Floating around.

Most stay in their place.

Every now and then

One intrudes upon your space

Making it difficult to concentrate

Giving you the feeling that you need to escape

Running to where the air is fresher…..


Free from your boss, Old Spice.

Away from that gossipy wench Dove

Avoiding the smut talk of Gillette

Who is just interested in his Speed Stick

While his fat buddy Mitchum chuckles

At every cute deodorant that walks by.

You want to tell Glide

That her body wash isn’t working!

That’s for Sure.

Brut grunts at you for no reason

Must be football season.

Then there’s Ralph Lauren

Who thinks he knows the goddess Hygiene personally

You want to tell him Hygiene doesn’t exist

Just take a look around the office for proof!

Perspiring is not a Secret!

It happens!



But, armpits aren’t always bad

Sometimes during a warm Irish Spring

When people get a little extra sweaty

You find just the Right Guard

And are more than willing to bury

Your nose into your lover’s armpit

And make that Gold Bond


Hardboiled Stinks


Don’t let biscuits be hard on you

Just give ‘em a little dunk

And they’ll soften right up

Bacon crumbles under pressure

Unless they’re Canadian

Then they become really taxing

Why does Benedict need a fucking muffin!

Who does he think he is?

Remember, you can always scramble

If you can’t get fried

Sunny side up appears to be happy

But is easily broken down

Into a runny, crying mess

Hardboiled stinks

Toast tries to be nice

With its whole grain

And empathetic sourdough

But usually arrives all dried out

Needing a bit of buttering up

Hash browns are grease monkeys

Don’t ever waffle

Over an important syrup

When the coffee arrives hungover

The juice always strains in

With a “I told you so”

Stuck in its pulp

Pancakes are whores…

Potatoes, strawberries

Blueberries, buckwheat

Buttermilk, Swedish

You name it

Pancakes will do it



Honey Bunches Of Woes



Cap’n Crunch is part of

Military-industrial cornplex

Shredded wheat is, well, shredded

Post Toasties are shy

But, very modernist.

Life should not be simply cereal

And taken more seriously!

Wheaties get wimpy in milk

Lucky Charms ain’t so lucky

With those alien marshmallows

Rising to the top of the cereal hierarchy

Has anyone really cheered for Cheerios?

No wonder there is a Honey Nut

You can’t just frost a flake

Once a flake always a flake

What’s so special about K?

I’m sure J is special too

Are Bite-Size Mini Wheats

for small mouths?

What is Total adding up to?

Corn should not be a Pop

Or a Mom for that matter

Corn Moms?

Who would turn Trix in their stomach?

Cocoa Pebbles is like

Eating a baby Flintstone

Apple Jacks are drugs

Kix are boring little balls of cardboard

Don’t let Raisin Bran fool you

Into thinking it’s a goody two-shoes

It’s into getting frosted and toasted too

Alpha Bits.

Don’t spell with your mouth full

Chex should practice contraception

Never listen to Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

They’re corporate whores

Does sugar really need to puff?

Grape Nuts.

Only some parts are edible

Franken Berry, Boo Berry

If berries crunch

Don’t eat them

No wonder, there are toy surprises

Honey Bunches of Woes