American Work Day

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  1. Try to get up
  2. Notice in the mirror, as you get ready for work, a cowlick that just won’t go away. Curse at every known god in the universe. Glue it down (partially) with Dippity Doo Ultra Toxic Glue Gel
  3. Stop at Starbucks. Order a Venti Ice Ice Baby Crappacino in a single-use plastic cup, while ten reusable plastic cups (Free Walmart gifts for applying for a credit card) sit at home in your cupboard, which will be 25 cents each at the next church bizarre or garage sale, which no one will buy. They will be dumped off at the Goodwill, by an unmarked white church van, in a large cardboard box, labeled “kitchen stuff”, ending up next to piles of cheap sunglasses.(Also free Walmart giveaways)
  4. Park your car in a downtown lot after almost rear-ending someone on the freeway, for checking the newest Tweet from some unknown Kardashian (No, it’s not the name of someone from the planet Karadashia) of whom you really don’t give a fuck about.
  5. Enter the office building. Wave to the security officer you feel sorry for, because you think he is a poor pitiful loser with ADD, when in reality he has a doctorate in literature. His area of expertise is 19th century British literature. No wonder he’s a security guard.
  6. Say small hellos to coworkers you hate, but pretend to like at office parties. You hope nobody stops you to complain about their kids and spouse, while at the same time you wish somebody would stop and talk, so you can complain about your kids and spouse.
  7. Say hello to your boss, calling her/him by their first name. (Or better yet, a nickname like Biffy, Bongo, or Chuck) Look around if any of your coworkers noticed.
  8. Reach your cubicle. Refill your foo-foo Starfuck’s plastic cup with pure black gut -wrenching MJB Death Valley black coffee. Reach in your purse and pull out a photo of your nephew, who just turned two with cake all over his face. Stick it on your outdated PC vacuum tube monitor. Even though you’ve never met the brat, it’s a way of making it look like your down with the family you avoid.
  9. Start working on the new project called “Merchant Accountability” your boss told you to do, which is exactly like the old project called “Mermaids Love Dolla Bills Y’all”. It’s all about who you’re talking to. Your boss tells you to “Get into their brains”. Code words for “Get into their wallets”.
  10. Take lunch at a food cart two blocks away. Order the vegan flatty eastern evil noodles. The cook smiles at you because he cooks everything in the same pan with fish sauce, vegan or not. The cook is somebody you really like a lot. You feel, because he is Asian, he must be a wise practitioner of Buddhism, when really he drives home in a Lexus, thinking how stupid white people are.
  11. Heading back to the office you get harassed by stinky kids that have to work just as hard as you for one singular dollar bill, to buy the same bad beer you drink that you think is saving you that very same dollar bill you refuse to give them.
  12. In between working on “Merchant Accountability” you play a computer game entitled Pong (Retro is soooooo, cool), not noticing your boss looking over your shoulder.
  13. Drive home trying to quell the anger you have for Biffy, Bongo, and Chuck, while in the passenger seat the office flyer sits face up for the next meeting called “Let’s make work a community, a family of love and understanding”. It is to be held after hours, off-the- clock, Friday night, and is mandatory.
  14. Stop by the store on the way home and check your American Grocery List
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