I am the Lord, thy God. (Yeah! I didn’t’ have to change that one at all. Easy money)
You shall not deal with any other corporations other than mine. (Or I will force you into bankruptcy)
No graven images or likenesses (Unless, I have full copyrights and ownership of those likenesses. Don’t fool around with me on this one. I’m a jealous guy and if you rip me off, I will not only punish you, but your children’s, children’s, children. That’s how I roll)
Do not take my name in vain. (Or, I will tweet something horrible about you)
Remember bank holidays by keeping them holy. (You will work 60 hours a week and on the pathetic excuses for a holiday, you shall do no work. Instead, you will do all your family shopping on these “holidays” using a credit card. You are to buy so much needless junk, that you, your daughter, your son, your pets, and anyone who just happens to be visiting you, will have to work harder for me!)
Honor thy bank and thy real estate company. (By getting deeper in debt)
Thou shall not kill (Unless, I ask you to. LOL!! It’s sweet being president!)
Thou shall grab thy neighbor’s p…. (Or d…, if that’s what rocks your boat, and if you covet thy neighbor’s house just buy it and kick his ass out on the street)
Thou shall not steal (I can, but you can’t. Unless, the chances are good that you will get away with it and long as it isn’t me your stealing from)
You can give false testimony under oath anytime you think it’s worth it (I’ve done it plenty of times)
Would you look where you’re going?
Dig that head out of your device.
Take a sure step ahead
Or a car will end your streak
Of cute emojis
Just wait a minute
Put the Me Phone in your pocket
And stop acting like an Android
You don’t need to find out
If Suzy wants to go out on a date
Within seconds of you asking her
You don’t need to ask your wife
If she wants one ply or two ply
Her ass if fine
No, you didn’t find something collectable.
Get off of E-bay!
If you knew anything about collectables
You wouldn’t need the phone!
We don’t need another photo
Of the Taj Mahal on Instagram
No, the filters won’t help
It’s not shaded sizzling blue or
Hot-to-trot California fuchsia
And we don’t need to see your smiling
Fat head in front of it, either
Instead of a meaningless game
That you must reach
The next level to
Try making it to the next
Chapter of a fucking book!
Stories should not be six words long
Quotes are cute
But on Twitter, they’re
Usually sappy or plagiarized
Sometimes it takes a little communication
To be smart about things
Try talking to people
Just consider it the new app